I didn’t manage to get along with other kids very well. But to be fair all of the children at Ringing Rocks Elementary School, PA were vicious motherfuckers. A horde of tiny uncivilized people, forming disparate tribes to make war against one another, eyes wet with conjunctivitis and hatred, Mouths red with Kool Aid. Or the blood of the weak. It really depended. If there were curly fries being served in the cafeteria then it was blood. Curly Fries to seven year olds are like what Cacao Beans were to the Aztecs. If there was only one tray of curly fries then you were bound to see some Gangs of New York shit go down.
The play ground was not so much playful as it was reminiscent of the yard at Sing Sing. Turf was drawn and redrawn according to race or class or gender or some subtle social shift in the wind that I could never fucking understand. Cruelties were hurled to faces or behind backs, bigger kids shoved the smaller off the swingsets, rocks were winged at soft, still developing skulls. The one thing keeping us from going fully “Lord of the Flies” was a single listless chaperone who’d blow a whistle and kind of scream at us when he saw bullying.
The hostility was only tuned down to a dull simmer when herded back into the class room. Still 20 to 25 kids agitated against one another in an ever present effort to undermine and assert dominance.
You know, thinking back on grade school it really was like a jail. One time I shivved a boy with a fork because he tried to kiss me. He just didn’t understand I ain’t nobodies bitch you see? I don’t just give my shit out fo’ free. You gotta get momma a pack o’ smokes or summa them tasty ass curly fries first. Shiiit.
Almost nothing could bring us together in a lasting harmony. Except one thing.
Ripple was the male hamster we kept as a class pet. And for some goddamned reason when we had a spare moment all of us would crowd around the cage and put our differences aside to look at adorable Mr. Ripple, maybe pet him a little bit but always, inevitably, flip this hamster over and look at his junk.
“Look at his boner!” One of the boys would snigger. And that, boys and girls, is where I learned the word “Boner”.
“Kids. KIDS. That’s enough. It’s time for geography.” A frantic teacher would hustle us away and put Ripple and his shlong back in the cage. But for that tiny moment we were all united in puerile fascination of rodent willies.
I may be grown now but still sometimes experience a Ripple effect. I was on YouTube a while back looking for cute animal videos because I have a vagina. Ownership of a vagina causes irrational behaviors like the purchasing of hundreds of decorative pillows, weeping and the need to view fluffy bunnies and shit while imbibing merlot.
Anyway, I’d just gotten done watching an anteater in a flannel shirt drink fruit juice out of a champagne flute when on the side bar of related videos the words “ECHIDNA PENIS” stood out from the pile.
“I…Well…Fuck.” I thought staring at the thumbnail, trying to make out details. “I guess I’m going know what an echidna’s penis looks like.” So I clicked on it.
Now when your first reaction to seeing a monotreme’s gigantic cock is “Not bad…” then you need to come to grips with the fact that you deserve to be alone forever.
None the less I emailed that magnanimous wanger to friends and family and felt immidiatly vindicated in my belife that sometimes the sharing of disgusting, wretched things is a way to bring people together when I received this reply:
“This is the craziest dick I have ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of dicks. That is amazing.”
Perhaps this is what could end world conflict. If we all collectively sat down for a little while at a global table and realized that whatever our differences are, whatever has happened in the past we will all agree that an Echidna’s dick is the WEIRDEST fucking thing ever and from that point of commonality we would all link hands and swear to stop nuclear proliferation and solve world hunger. A utopia would follow in less than a decade.
I mean ok, Australia probably wouldn’t be that wowed but then they’re used to Echidna dick. Wouldn’t matter. No one wants to play with those kids anyway.