The absurdity of it all

14 Oct

The phones had stopped ringing briefly at Das Hotelenstien and I stepped into the back to spend some quality time with my coke bottle glasses and a tissue soaked in rubbing alcohol. It was early in the shift so what better time for my stylish black frames to snap in two right at the nose piece?

Snik! Was the lonely little sound it made and there I stood with one half in each hand, staring for a dumbfounded moment.

Then the realization set in.

“Cock, piss ,shit, fuck, shit, shit, fuck.”

My vision stands at a -11 which for those of you who can read the menu board a Taco Bell with out squinting is about the prescription at which you’re feeling faces like in Lionel Ritchie video. My eyes have been this poor since I was five and if something goes awry with my eyewear you can watch me revert back to that age. I am unreasonable, inconsolable and angry.


One of the managers, Rose,  peered out from her office and caught sight of my bisected spectacles and me clutching the halves with wide eyes trying to take in any kind of visual.

“Oh, no…” She breathed.

My coworker Jay strolled into the back to fill up his cup at the water cooler. He also looked over at me.

“You can’t see without those, can you.” He stated.

“Noooooo.” I said in a high keening voice.

“Oh, dear.” Said the manager.

I looked at her unfocused. I knew she was wearing a black dress so I focused on the large black smudge. “Rose, do we have any super glue?”

“Yes, I think. Let me check.” Came Roses voice off to my right. Turns out I was staring at a pile of luggage.

I banged into a few boxes trying to get back to my seat at the front desk but I managed and carefully plunked down. I rubbed my shin and stared off in to fuzzy nothing.

Rose brought me the superglue and I fumbled the cap off. I couldn’t figure why the glue wasn’t coming out so I had to bring the tube right up to my left eye while shutting the right to get any kind of clarity. I wasn’t really enthusiastic about doing this of course but desperation made me foolish. I’m glad that the tube was not open yet otherwise my squeezing and peering into the nozzel with my beady little pupil would have resulted in me being know as “Old Lady Glue-Eye” by the neighbor hood kids for the rest of my life.

After figuring out the reason why there ain’t no glue comin’ out the squirty end I punctured the the cap correctly and was rewarded with a giant spurt of super glue. I was able to dip the ends of my broken nose piece into the gushing tip and slam them together hoping all the while that having my face directly in the glue fumes would not damage my high brain functions.

I waited 20 seconds, assuming that if I was able to read the directions that’s the amount of time I would be advised to wait and then tested my glasses.

On the upside a pressure test of the nose piece showed that they were firmly glued and would not easily break apart again.

On the down side I found that the same was also true of my thumb and forefinger which were now stuck together like teen lovers discussing a suicide pact.

After about 20 minutes of soaking my fingers in isopropyl and running it under the hot water tap they eventually separated with a small tearing noise.

What’s neat about superglue is that if you get it on your fingers it will form a hard covering over the pads and you will not have the sensation of touch for several hours. That’s if you are tenacious enough to pick the layer of glue off along with a few layers of dermis.

Feeling triumph I returned to my desk  and placed my repaired nerd crown on my face.

And immediately huffed a lungful of fumes and had a terrific allergic reaction, a slight high. Giggling with tears streaming and nose sneezing I called Mark and begged him to bring me my spares from home.


4 Responses to “The absurdity of it all”

  1. CarynSKA October 14, 2010 at 2:04 am #

    I currently don’t have a spare pair of glasses. I have no idea what I would do if mine broke! (maybe I should stop cleaning them?)

  2. ahappygoluckyscamp October 14, 2010 at 3:28 am #

    I usually don’t either. My prescription is so expensive is normally can’t afford it but I managed to get a deal where I replaced some old lenses and got another pair. The ones that broke were over two years old so that MAAAAAY have something to do with it.

    They finally said “Oh, god I can’t take anymore abuse!”
    *soul floats away*

  3. chris October 26, 2010 at 4:03 pm #

    No one bothered to glue them together for you? Do you work with a bunch of jerks or something?

    • ahappygoluckyscamp October 27, 2010 at 12:25 am #

      Nah, One of my coworkers tried to take them away to do it for me and I nearly bit his hand. I’m SUPER touchy about my glasses.

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