Lost and Found

22 Dec

I had left shoes in the cupboard under one of the back desks at Das Hotelenstien for a couple weeks a little while back and was roundly admonished to “Take your gross ass shoes home with you.”.

Which I did.

Of course, you can’t do something once around here with out it being irrevocably woven into the fabric of who you are as a person. So when I came in to Das Hotelenstien after a lengthy tour of the other properties and was immediately accused of leaving some other item in the office I wasn’t surprised.

“Leia, Hold on.” Hamid scuttled into the manager’s office and called in. “Dave! Dave could you please talk to Leia about the thing she left here last week?”

“Bullshit.” I said. “I haven’t even been here for a week.”

“No, no, no.” Hamid did a little dance. “Dave, show her what she left here.”

Dave rose solemnly from his desk chair. “Leia, you really need to be more careful about what you leave around the back office.”

I followed him out of the office and over to the large plastic tubs we keep three labeled months worth of Lost and Found items in before donating all unclaimed bric a brac to the Salvation Army.

Dave peered into the tub labeled DECEMBER and then carefully began to fish out a plastic bag. “You need to be careful or people will get the wrong ideas…”

“What the fuck are you talking about…” I was getting tired of this cat and mouse bullshit. Dave pulled out what looked like maybe a hair dryer contained in the plastic bag and let it drop with a dull silicone thud onto the back counter.

That was not a hair dryer.

It was not a hair dryer in any sense.

I stared.

“Are you fucking kidding me???”

A sexual aid. A dildo. A dick shaped monolith with another bulby sort of bit jutting off from the end, made from a rubbery substance so pitch black it seemed to eat the light. The cock version of Darth Vader had been left behind by some randy guest and now had found a home in our lost and found. Somewhere in our computer system there was now logged the description:

“One black rubber dick w/attached anal plug, found 12/16/10”

Hamid burst in to gales of laughter and daves rumbling chuckle drifted over my head as I bent to examine the giant black knobbler.

“You have to be fucking kidding me.” I straightened and looked at my boss and coworker. “This is not some amature shit. You cannot find a dong like this at the Spencer’s Gifts. You need like, a black market guide to find shit this specific. This is for advanced perverts.”

I looked at Dave. “Did you find this in a room with a single king bed? because I hope you checked the occupancy. The limit is 2 adults for the room but this is a four person wang.”

“Actually you know what bothers me is that room was booked by a two sisters.” Dave said levering the wriggling rubber cock back into the bin and holding the plastic of the back delicately between thumb and forefinger.

Hamid gripped the back of a desk chair and wheezed.

“I want you to know right now that on the off chance someone calls looking for it…Just No. because first of all that thing looks like it weighs twenty fucking pounds and that is too fucking expensive to ship and second of all.” I pointed at the bin. “No. Just fucking no. I’m not calling fed ex to pick that up. I am not putting it in a mailer.”

Dave sighed. “It is heavy.”

I plucked up my time card and clocked in. Hamid followed me back to the front desk.

“The second the housekeeper brought that down I just couldn’t wait to show you that. I knew it was for you

I finished buttoning up my work shirt. “Christ, our poor housekeepers. Which one found it?”

“Carmelita.”

“Ooooh no, that poor thing. She’s too nice for that.”

“I know.” Hamid said ruefully and picked up one of the ringing lines. I counted my cash drawer and waited for him to finish.

He hung up the phone.

“You know,” I said to him. “You guys had better remember to take that dick out of the lost and found before you take it to the Salvation Army.  I’m not sure if you can be black listed from a charity organization but I’m pretty sure slipping them a giant, glistening butt plug/ dildo combination will do it.”

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7 Responses to “Lost and Found”

  1. Katy December 22, 2010 at 6:06 am #

    OMG. wow. I gotta stay at Das Hotelenstien, clearly. The sisters there know how to par-tay.

  2. Wood December 22, 2010 at 9:05 am #

    Still, I think that if the person has the courage to call and ask for it to be returned, which would require giving a detailed description of it, so that you’re sure she’s the rightful owner, then she deserves to have it back (provided she pays for the shipping).

    There’s a passage in Fight Club when an airport employee tells the narrator that sometimes a luggage triggers the alarm because an electric razor or toothbrush switched itself on and started vibrating. And sometimes it’s a vibrator. And in these case you have to tell the customer that “a vibrator switched itself on in your luggage”. Always “a vibrator”, never “Your vibrator”.

    • ahappygoluckyscamp December 22, 2010 at 6:32 pm #

      And that courage would be laudable if I was paid 15 an hour instead of 11. But it’s 11 so I’m not handling a strangers dong. just not doin it.

      Ad dude, woody I don’t need a description. there is only one butt plug dick monster back there. The owner could be pretty vague, i would figure it out.

      • Wood December 22, 2010 at 8:56 pm #

        Then I guess you’re a better person than I am, because I would totally make her describe it.

        “A sex toy, you say…? Well, I’m not sure, there seems to be several, how big is it ?”

  3. Simone February 9, 2011 at 7:01 am #

    please tell me carmelita didn’t have to touch it bare-handed!

    • ahappygoluckyscamp February 9, 2011 at 7:10 am #

      We keep BBQ tongs for just such an emergency.

      • Simone February 9, 2011 at 7:39 am #

        haha, tongs? not gloves? i bet feeling that thing through gloves or plastic would still be weird and… jiggly.

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