As I so often do I found myself at a highly refined party tonight. The men were strapping and debonair, the women beautiful and poised. We stood around chatting about current events sipping fine aged scotch and nibbling on excellent pork tacos prepared by our hosts, Zachary and his lady Kristy.
At this party I had the pleasure of meeting a dashing young fellow by the name of Andrew after our introductions and a few well timed dick jokes Andrew casually mentioned,
“So when do I get your Brussel Sprouts recipe?”
Ah, I see my reputation precedes me. Brussel sprouts are my staple dinner item. I make them with almost everything. Turkey, chicken, pork, pasta… everything.
I know what you are thinking, “Ew, Leia! Brussel Sprouts?! Those are a straight nasty vegetable! No one likes them! They stink, they are mushy…everything about those terror bulbs is revulsion incarnate!’
And I would say, Hey. Hey there, little camper. It doesn’t need to be like that! You’ve been hurt in the past and I understand that. You’ve had them steamed, god forbid boiled and at the best roasted. But that’s not the way of things!
You must saute them bitches.
Come take my hand and I will show you how to prepare a vegetable side dish that will have your dinner guests gibbering at your feet, clutching the hem of your Dior evening gown in a paroxysm of joy. Let me me show you how to make:
Weathingtons Superb “In your FACE” Sprouts.
- A bitch ton of Brussel sprouts of even size. Try to get large ones.
- 2-3 garlic cloves, minced.
- Olive oil, a kind that’s not super shitty.
- Coarse kosher salt
- Cracked black pepper
- Lemon Juice or Balsamic vinegar
- Grated parmesan cheese.
Take your green beauties and slice off the stem bit down there at the bottom. Then slice them in half lengthwise, discard the loose leaves that will just fall off like a lover discarding their evening jacket before draping it over the nightstand in preparation for giving your taste buds a thorough debauching.
Place your sprouts in a bowl and toss with olive oil, salt and pepper. Pour more olive oil into a nonstick pan and sprinkle in the garlic and saute for about a minute. Then place your sprouts flat side down in the pan and let those babies cook until the bottom sides are golden brown.
After you’ve checked to see if the bottoms are crispylicious toss about a tablespoon of lemon juice OR balsamic vinegar in to the pan and then cover the pan real quick to let the sprouts steam in the flavor. Let steam for about three minutes.
After three minutes are up toss the sprouts around for a bit. Let them jump at your flick of the wrist like jubilant children in a bouncy castle. Return your sprouts to the bowl and sprinkle with Parm.
Serve to your grateful dinner guest who will flood you with expressions of admiration and possibly more than a few marriage requests.
That’s it. That’s all you have to do. My father, who ordinarily would rather spit in deaths eye than eat a green vegetable will eat at least five.
Go out in to the culinary world my swans. Go forth with this gift I have given unto you and make wonders.