Coming Clean

10 Feb

I really don’t want to use this blog as a platform for fannish bullshit because there are times and places for that. The times being not on the internet and the place being my living room with other nerds drinking Four Loko but I just have to take a moment to talk about something briefly.

I’m not huge into superhero comics. I mean I’d like to be but honestly is just too much to wade through before I find the great character driven stuff I like to see in comics. There has been too much retconning and fake deaths and radioactive spider spooge for me to really get into it. I don’t worry about the welfare of any of these characters because I know, should they get thrown into the sun and die, I’ll see their asses next Wednesday in a different series. But this time it’ll have the word ULTIMATE on the cover somewhere.

My fellow associate nerds Imperious Ward and Nick Kovac have done their best to throw the good trades my way. Kudos to Ward, I did really like Civil War. Nick’s lent me some of the better Batman books but I had to stop listening to him when he took me by the shoulders after a game of pool one day and shook me while screaming: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, THE HULK SWIMS THROUGH MAGMA. HE SWIMS THROUGH FUCKING MAGMAAAAAAA!” in an effort to get me into the Incredible Hulk.

Now what I do love is superhero movies. There is just one plot for me to follow instead of a rabbit warren of do-overs. True some are better than others but the movies are the movies, take it or leave it.

Just today though it came to my attention that I may only like superhero’s for one reason and one reason only.

I went to see  Iron Man 2 back when it was in theaters and toddled up to Ward the next time I saw him. We love the first one so I didn’t expect him to be quite so derisive when I asked what he thought.

“Ugh.” He made a face.

“You didn’t like it?” I asked, confused.

“It was a goddamned mess. And Whiplash?”

“I kind of liked Whipla-”

“MY BURD. THEESE EES MY BURD!” Ward waved his arms and ranted in a fake Russian accent and I stepped back out of shaking range.

You know, I stood there for a second as Ward flailed still barking “MY BURD!” and searched my heart for the words to prove him wrong. to point out that it was really a well plotted…um…there was some shooting and…

Then it hit me. The parts most clearly etched into my mind were the ones where Tony Stark was all sweaty in that slutty tank top welding stuff.

Y'all lady nerds know what I'm talkin' about.

Now I know Iron Man is one of my favorite super heros because he is sick hot but there were other reasons I liked him! Legitimate ones, like how his hobbies were Scotch, bitches and justice. He had missiles in his gloves! I want missile gloves!

Pew pew!

My bullshit came down around my ears when I saw the trailer for Captain America. Which I’ve watched…hang on, let me look at my history bar…forty times.

“Oh, wow! More Avengers movies! Punching nazis in the face is always a classic. I wonder how they are going to fit this into the other mooo…uhhh…ngggghhh…”


I have plum run out of fucks to give about how they are going to fit the Captain America movies into the broader Avengers movieverse. I would watch this dude sit in a folding chair and eat spoonfuls of mayonnaise. I would pay money for it.



Sexsim in the Marvel/DC comic books is a frequent topic of conversation on the internet and at con panels because well you know…

To be fair her superpower is mind powers which is how she is keeping that top on.

The way that the female characters are so intensely sexualized in the comics has been a pretty big sticking point with a lot of female fans of superheros and I’d be really invested in that plight if I weren’t so busy reading Hellboy and looking for fanfiction where Tony Stark welds more stuff.

I’m not a grand feminist scholar or anything but I will say that if Marvel gives me an oil wrestling scene between Rogers and Stark in the Avengers movie I will forgive every outfit sin ever committed against my sex in comics. That’s it. That’s all it takes for me to sell out my sisters. Brawny glistening dudes in t shirts so tight the fibers squeak with the strain of clothing these babes. Then they punch and/or weld some stuff.

That’s all.

Well actually I want that and a decent Catwoman movie. I mean come on how can you fuck that one up?


7 Responses to “Coming Clean”

  1. Mia February 10, 2011 at 2:06 pm #

    Uh, really?

    I mean I guess its great that you like watching sexy guys and that Hollywood is more than happy to fill that need for you… but you’re willing to forgive cardboard one dimensional women stuck into comics *only* because the male superheros needs a love interest/evil scantily-clad dominatrix/someone to save?

    Because that’s a real big part of the sexism in comics. People will always love watching other attractive people – that’s biology. The problem comes in when women characters are reduced entirely to one dimensional objects – while the male characters get to go out and do awesome things.

    Sure I want to watch attractive people do sexy thing but like hell I’m going to give up my right to demand women in comics are treated like, you know, people.

    • ahappygoluckyscamp February 10, 2011 at 2:35 pm #

      Dude, I hear you. But this is a comedy blog so you know…comedy.

      Now my personal opinion of the superhero icky sticky is pretty much me throwing my hands up and going “Make Magneto a cyborg or draw a bigger titty window I just don’t care. There are huge swaths of comics, I mentioned Hellboy but there are a ton of others many of them I’m sure your familiar with so I won’t bore you, that really cater to us and those are the ones I buy. Those are the ones I pass around with my friends. Those are the ones I write:

      And you are right, You shouldn’t stop demanding great characters you relate to. But The Big Two will never ever give that to you. They really don’t care enough. I think we should take out toys elsewhere and stop beating out heads against the wall. That’s just my deeply held personal opinion on the subject.

      Now it is 6:30 AM and I really need to get back to making dick jokes.

      • Mia February 11, 2011 at 2:18 am #

        Ahaha! XD Sorry, I knew there was a reason I followed you on twitter besides the funny blog posts. Lots of <3s for Bold Riley and carry on!

        Am the sheepiest sheep ever and am retiring to hide in my uber secret Sheep Cave.

      • ahappygoluckyscamp February 11, 2011 at 2:55 am #

        Noooo! It’s okay, come out of your sheepy sheep cave and gambol in my fields! Later we are having an ice cream and lemonade picnic…

    • Antonio Malcolm February 10, 2011 at 7:36 pm #

      I don’t get this. I read comics (and I’m somewhat picky), and I don’t see a great difference in how the two genders are treated. White Queen, as displayed by Leia in Greg Horn’s cover illustrations above, has always been a (VERY) strong, powerful character in the marvel universe, intelligent, driven, and sharp as the edge of a sword. Come to think of it, ALL of the X-Men-related female characters have been strong characters. Storm, Jean Grey, X-23, Psylocke, Rogue. DC’s Birds Of Prey comes to mind, too. Batgirl, Catwoman… Wonder Woman. Vertigo’s Death was a great character. In actuality, if you take a long, examined look, I think you’ll find women are treated much better and regarded more highly in comic books than in any other pop culture medium.

      To address the scantily-cladness of women vs men in comics, this is a doubled-edged sword. You can say that women in comics show more skin, but let’s look at two things:

      1.) ALL characters, male female, and often times, “other” are wearing ridiculous, over-revealing, skin-tight nonsense
      2.) As for the additional skin and cleavage women tend to show, vs men, I think this comes down more to the societal view that women are beautiful, sculptural things, with bodies to be worshipped visually, whereas men are typically viewed as rough, blocky, purely utilitarian things lacking in human beauty. We’re getting better about that, in modern times, but no where as close in our balance of views between the female and male forms as, say, ancient Greece or renaissance Italy. If this changes, I guarantee you’ll see that change reflected in ALL avenues of pop culture, not just comic books. What changes we have seen are already there, and hats off to Leia for, in her own way, pointing that out here. However, in the broader public, when a woman wears something elegant and revealing (think chest and shoulders), both men and her friends will typically fawn over her and tell her how great she looks. See a man do the same, and he’s revealing too much, showing off, or trying too hard. People just don’t want to see so much of a man as they do a woman.

  2. Erika Moen February 10, 2011 at 8:46 pm #

    “Now I know Iron Man is one of my favorite super heros because he is sick hot but there were other reasons I liked him! Legitimate ones, like how his hobbies were Scotch, bitches and justice. He had missiles in his gloves! I want missile gloves!

    Pew pew!”

    Favorite. Paragraph.

    Pew pew!

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