I really don’t want to use this blog as a platform for fannish bullshit because there are times and places for that. The times being not on the internet and the place being my living room with other nerds drinking Four Loko but I just have to take a moment to talk about something briefly.
I’m not huge into superhero comics. I mean I’d like to be but honestly is just too much to wade through before I find the great character driven stuff I like to see in comics. There has been too much retconning and fake deaths and radioactive spider spooge for me to really get into it. I don’t worry about the welfare of any of these characters because I know, should they get thrown into the sun and die, I’ll see their asses next Wednesday in a different series. But this time it’ll have the word ULTIMATE on the cover somewhere.
My fellow associate nerds Imperious Ward and Nick Kovac have done their best to throw the good trades my way. Kudos to Ward, I did really like Civil War. Nick’s lent me some of the better Batman books but I had to stop listening to him when he took me by the shoulders after a game of pool one day and shook me while screaming: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, THE HULK SWIMS THROUGH MAGMA. HE SWIMS THROUGH FUCKING MAGMAAAAAAA!” in an effort to get me into the Incredible Hulk.
Now what I do love is superhero movies. There is just one plot for me to follow instead of a rabbit warren of do-overs. True some are better than others but the movies are the movies, take it or leave it.
Just today though it came to my attention that I may only like superhero’s for one reason and one reason only.
I went to see Iron Man 2 back when it was in theaters and toddled up to Ward the next time I saw him. We love the first one so I didn’t expect him to be quite so derisive when I asked what he thought.
“Ugh.” He made a face.
“You didn’t like it?” I asked, confused.
“It was a goddamned mess. And Whiplash?”
“I kind of liked Whipla-”
“MY BURD. THEESE EES MY BURD!” Ward waved his arms and ranted in a fake Russian accent and I stepped back out of shaking range.
You know, I stood there for a second as Ward flailed still barking “MY BURD!” and searched my heart for the words to prove him wrong. to point out that it was really a well plotted…um…there was some shooting and…
Then it hit me. The parts most clearly etched into my mind were the ones where Tony Stark was all sweaty in that slutty tank top welding stuff.
Now I know Iron Man is one of my favorite super heros because he is sick hot but there were other reasons I liked him! Legitimate ones, like how his hobbies were Scotch, bitches and justice. He had missiles in his gloves! I want missile gloves!
My bullshit came down around my ears when I saw the trailer for Captain America. Which I’ve watched…hang on, let me look at my history bar…forty times.
“Oh, wow! More Avengers movies! Punching nazis in the face is always a classic. I wonder how they are going to fit this into the other mooo…uhhh…ngggghhh…”
I have plum run out of fucks to give about how they are going to fit the Captain America movies into the broader Avengers movieverse. I would watch this dude sit in a folding chair and eat spoonfuls of mayonnaise. I would pay money for it.
Sexsim in the Marvel/DC comic books is a frequent topic of conversation on the internet and at con panels because well you know…
The way that the female characters are so intensely sexualized in the comics has been a pretty big sticking point with a lot of female fans of superheros and I’d be really invested in that plight if I weren’t so busy reading Hellboy and looking for fanfiction where Tony Stark welds more stuff.
I’m not a grand feminist scholar or anything but I will say that if Marvel gives me an oil wrestling scene between Rogers and Stark in the Avengers movie I will forgive every outfit sin ever committed against my sex in comics. That’s it. That’s all it takes for me to sell out my sisters. Brawny glistening dudes in t shirts so tight the fibers squeak with the strain of clothing these babes. Then they punch and/or weld some stuff.
Well actually I want that and a decent Catwoman movie. I mean come on how can you fuck that one up?