How to make a Fondue that will Upset and Sicken.

27 Feb

Say you want to make a tasty meal utilizing what you have on hand. If what you have on hand is primarily cheese and a bag of baguette chunks then naturally one’s thoughts turn to Fondue, what I understand to be the only food eaten in Switzerland other than chocolate and watch parts.

Or chocolate dipped watch parts. It’s been a while since I visited.

So fondue! How hard is it? It’s just alpine french for “Some melted bullshit eaten with two pronged fork because all your food got all hard and this is the only way it can be edible again.”.

All the same I googled me up a recipe real quick to get a better idea. I will share that recipe with you. In parentheses are my own substitutions and helpful advice.


  • 1 cup white wine (I didn’t have that so I looked at the crap sitting on my hutch and went: “Um…Cooking sherry? I guess?”)
  • 1/2 lb Gruyère cheese, Grated. (Cheddar, whatever I got. Grated.)
  • 1/2 lb Swiss cheese, grated. (handful of garlic cheese curds found next to those sausages. How old were those sausages…)
  • salt
  • Flour (Why the hell not)
  • Nutmeg (No one likes nutmeg. Disregard.)
  • Loaf of French bread cut into one inch chunks (Or that stale ass bag of baguette from dinner a week ago )


Now it says use a fondue pot to melt all of this together but who has a goddamned fondue pot handy? Home owners? Pfft. We’ll be doing this iiiiiiin…What is this? I think it’s a casserole dish? It’s stove top safe so it’ll do.

Now dump the cooking sherry in there. measurements are for people who don’t dream big. Just upend the bottle and count to three real quick. Then grate the cheddar and heave the cheese curds in. Stir frantically at it with a salad fork. Dump in more cooking sherry?

Shit! The flour! Stir with one hand and with the other stretch desperately into the pantry and dig a fistful of flour out of the bag and wing it into the pot. The flour is how the MAGIC happens!



Fuck that Nutmeg! Put the salt in! Stir you, bastard! Stir! If it burns on to the bottom you will never get the cheese off!

You know what this needs? Pepper. Put that in. Look down at the dish as you stir. See the way it’s starting to get brown and crusty looking? That’s the cheese burning to the bottom the way you always knew it would but dared hope it wouldn’t. Allow the despair to settle in your soul.

At this point it’s pretty much done there, Rachel Ray. You are just throwing more crap in and stirring because it imparts into your life a sort of purpose.

Turn off heat. Sample the cheese mixture with a stale, sad piece of party baguette.

If you’ve followed my directions correctly it should taste like salty, alcoholic Swiss taint.

Serve while sitting bed in your underwear and Fernet t-shirt, scooping gobs of rapidly congealing sherry cheese failure with the revenant bread of that better dinner you made last week.


    2 Responses to “How to make a Fondue that will Upset and Sicken.”

    1. Andrew Farago February 27, 2011 at 3:36 am #

      We’ve got a fondue pot. It’s painted to look like Swiss cheese. When you’re ready to play in the big leagues, stop on by.

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