Tastes like awful.

1 Mar

Stop trying to convince me yogurt is a food. Stop this. I mean it.

Other than the fact that just the sound of the word is an accurate approximation for the sound I make in the morning after drinking too many Gin and Tonics. Remember back to the last time you had to throw up in the morning. What was the sound YOU made when running to the bathroom to clutch at the rim of the bowl in fevered desperation? Let me see if I can write this out in a way that you will hear it in your skull with a degree of accuracy.

“Oh…Oh god, I shouldn’t have- YOOOOOOOOOUUUGHHHHGUUUUUUUURRRRRRGG-T–T-t…*spits* Oh…oh whyYOOOOOOOOOOOUGGGGHHHHHHTTTTT-t-t-t….Never again….”

I can’t turn on the TV for more than twenty minutes without being assailed in the eye sockets by something like this:

I’ll advance the idea that Yogurt has set women back about 100 years.

and then there is this nonsense:

Bitch, That’s not an apple turnover. What you just ate is a chunky blend of “feh” meant to be pumped into the feed tubes of coma patients. The teeth in your head look so loose you’ve most likely forgotten how to masticate solids. I bet you just can’t wait for Yoplaits new flavors “shrimp creole” and “cheeseburger”. Only 80 calories! That’ll show Peggy Martin from the 8th grade not to call you a fatty!

And look at her poor husband in the back there rooting through the fridge as if there is anything edible in there. Guess that’ll teach you not to make comments about baby weight, eh fella?

This one just makes me sad.

“Hi, my grey yoga hoodies are starting to feel a little loose could you tailor them for me? Haha, it’s just all of these deserts I’ve been eating! Chop chop, my chunky seamstress!”

I hope that woman spit in the pockets of every one of that chicks garments. I really do.

And then this one. Oh my god…THIS ONE:

BITCH EAT THE CHEESE CAKE EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE CAKE WHO LOOKS AT YOGURT NEXT TO A WHOLE CHEESE CAKE AND THINKS “Yum! jizzum pudding! I shall have that!” EAT THE CHEESE CAKE BITCH EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you mean you’ve “been good”? did you do charity work today? Did you read books to the elderly down at the seniors home? Did you just make a break through on your cancer research? EAT THE CHEESE CAKE BITCH EAT IT.

This is what offends me to the absolute core about yogurt ads. It’s that idea that women have to “be good” when it comes to feeding ourselves. Yogurt is marketed almost exclusively to us as a substitute for actual food. As a way to make up for the cardinal sin of being hungry here comes Dannon to convince you that viscous, sour tasting bullshit is just as good as a dessert!

I know there is an obesity problem in this country and blah blah blaaaah but if you don’t eat food out of a trough and don’t eat cupcakes for 8 meals a day I think, JUST MAYBE, that you can have a real piece of cake from time to time without developing type 2 diabetes. There is no need to crack open a Yoplait for breakfast, lunch and dinner and pretend you are enjoying it as you would a cobb salad.

So just EAT THE CHEESECAKE BITCH EAT THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!!

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9 Responses to “Tastes like awful.”

  1. Matt March 1, 2011 at 8:32 pm #

    I like yogurt. I make my own. I don’t think your problem is WITH yogurt. I think your problem is with yogurt marketing. But almost ALL marketing is insipid. Don’t take it out on yogurt. It tastes great in Indian food.

    • ahappygoluckyscamp March 1, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

      Oh no. I hate the stuff. Indian food it the only acceptable delivery system for it.

  2. Cat March 2, 2011 at 12:49 am #

    Oh god I never thought of those commericals that way. I will eat cheesecake to spite those ads! Growing up, the only way I could even eat yogurt is if it was pretty much half chocolate sprinkles. Which pretty much lost all the purpose of being “good for you.”

  3. Patrick Rennie March 2, 2011 at 2:00 am #

    There’s good reason to despise yogurt: When the Yogurt took over by John Scalzi.

    Came in from Bucko, looked around, put you in my feeds. Nice posts. 🙂

  4. Laura March 2, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

    I like yogurt. I like *plain* yogurt, though. If I want it sweet or flavored, I add that stuff myself. The flavored stuff always tastes like cheap jam.

  5. Samantha March 3, 2011 at 5:20 am #

    I cannot even put into words how happy this blog post has made me. I hate yogurt and feel like I am an awful person for it! I love to bake and when I need to buy yogurt for a tasty banana bread recipe I shudder at the thought of extra yogurt staying in the fridge. I’ve wanted to like it since it is marketed at the magic healthy/skinny people food. But it is the smell that really gets me. Oh the smell!!!!

  6. Megan Rosalarian Gedris March 3, 2011 at 10:19 pm #

    Especially considering ALL OF THESE WOMEN ARE THIN, there is no fucking reason they should all be on bullshit yogurt diets. (Not that fat people need to be on yogurt diets either.) You can have real food! You deserve it because you are an organism. Organisms eat food.

    I sometimes HAVE to eat yogurt because my digestive system forgets how to handle real food. Even the good flavors taste terrible. Mainly from the consistency. My girlfriend has to force me to eat it. I rarely eat it of my own volition. Usually I would rather shit myself for 3 days than choke down a yogurt to calm my stomach down.

  7. Abby March 5, 2011 at 11:26 pm #

    Think you will get a kick out of this: http://current.com/shows/infomania/88941392_sarah-haskins-in-target-women-yogurt-edition.htm

  8. Laura June 15, 2011 at 8:48 pm #

    Hey, did you see this?

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/15/yoplait-pulls-ad-that-pos_n_877618.html?ncid=webmail

    You’re not the only person who didn’t like that ad.

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