Stop trying to convince me yogurt is a food. Stop this. I mean it.
Other than the fact that just the sound of the word is an accurate approximation for the sound I make in the morning after drinking too many Gin and Tonics. Remember back to the last time you had to throw up in the morning. What was the sound YOU made when running to the bathroom to clutch at the rim of the bowl in fevered desperation? Let me see if I can write this out in a way that you will hear it in your skull with a degree of accuracy.
“Oh…Oh god, I shouldn’t have- YOOOOOOOOOUUUGHHHHGUUUUUUUURRRRRRGG-T–T-t…*spits* Oh…oh whyYOOOOOOOOOOOUGGGGHHHHHHTTTTT-t-t-t….Never again….”
I can’t turn on the TV for more than twenty minutes without being assailed in the eye sockets by something like this:
I’ll advance the idea that Yogurt has set women back about 100 years.
and then there is this nonsense:
Bitch, That’s not an apple turnover. What you just ate is a chunky blend of “feh” meant to be pumped into the feed tubes of coma patients. The teeth in your head look so loose you’ve most likely forgotten how to masticate solids. I bet you just can’t wait for Yoplaits new flavors “shrimp creole” and “cheeseburger”. Only 80 calories! That’ll show Peggy Martin from the 8th grade not to call you a fatty!
And look at her poor husband in the back there rooting through the fridge as if there is anything edible in there. Guess that’ll teach you not to make comments about baby weight, eh fella?
This one just makes me sad.
“Hi, my grey yoga hoodies are starting to feel a little loose could you tailor them for me? Haha, it’s just all of these deserts I’ve been eating! Chop chop, my chunky seamstress!”
I hope that woman spit in the pockets of every one of that chicks garments. I really do.
And then this one. Oh my god…THIS ONE:
BITCH EAT THE CHEESE CAKE EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE CAKE WHO LOOKS AT YOGURT NEXT TO A WHOLE CHEESE CAKE AND THINKS “Yum! jizzum pudding! I shall have that!” EAT THE CHEESE CAKE BITCH EAT THE FUCKING CHEESE CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!
What do you mean you’ve “been good”? did you do charity work today? Did you read books to the elderly down at the seniors home? Did you just make a break through on your cancer research? EAT THE CHEESE CAKE BITCH EAT IT.
This is what offends me to the absolute core about yogurt ads. It’s that idea that women have to “be good” when it comes to feeding ourselves. Yogurt is marketed almost exclusively to us as a substitute for actual food. As a way to make up for the cardinal sin of being hungry here comes Dannon to convince you that viscous, sour tasting bullshit is just as good as a dessert!
I know there is an obesity problem in this country and blah blah blaaaah but if you don’t eat food out of a trough and don’t eat cupcakes for 8 meals a day I think, JUST MAYBE, that you can have a real piece of cake from time to time without developing type 2 diabetes. There is no need to crack open a Yoplait for breakfast, lunch and dinner and pretend you are enjoying it as you would a cobb salad.
So just EAT THE CHEESECAKE BITCH EAT THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!!