How to make a bruschetta that is not to be flexed with

16 Mar

“Leia,” I hear you scream from the depths of the internet. “What is the deal here? You’ve been scant on posts lately and, frankly, that last one was severely lacking. What happened to the days when you enriched our lives and brought us meaningful commentary on ladies undergarments, math tutoring, and awful pop stars?”

Listen. I’ve heard your cries. I understand them.

Let me tell you, It’s not easy living the astonishingly glamorous life that I do. It’s all late nights motor inns assisting fabulously drunk people in remembering how the key card machine work on the doors, waking up disoriented outside of pubs wearing a slipper on one foot and a pint glass on the other. My days are full of naps and maybe I look at Facebook to make sure I’m properly tagged in all of the photos.

But I have neglected you perhaps. This must not be. Come nestle in my hand like a trembling dove and let me show you a glimpse of what I can offer you now.

Let me teach you of bruschetta.

Some of you may have ordered bruschetta at a dining establishment. I’m sure you looked at the word and thought: “Dang, I’m not sure how to pronounce that kind of French. I’ll order it and be a citizen of the world.”

Only to have it arrive at your table to shatter your jet setting visions. There it lies, on a plate…

It’s a bunch of chopped tomatoes with a few flecks of basil.

On toast.

Bruschetta need not be thus! Going with my handy life style guide of More, MORE, MORE I am about to tell you how to make:


Here are the things you will need,

  • Tomatoes. I like to use the smaller ones that come on the vine. You know. Those ones.
  • One medium red onion
  • A handful of fresh basil
  • Garlic. Like, all the fucking garlic you have the energy to mince.
  • Olive oil
  • Cracked black pepper
  • Coarse kosher salt
  • Balsamic vinegar
  • A big ass baguette, sliced into rounds.

Now what you want to do is dice all of the tomatoes and the onion medium fine, not to big, not to small. Dice the basil even more finely. You want it small enough to stick to all of the veggies. Painstakingly mince the hell out of maybe 5 or 20 garlic cloves. You can use less if you feel like it. Feel like a total pussy who can’t handle flavor that is.

Combine all of the above into a bowl, mix stir, and toss until everything is mingling like a perfectly orchestrated orgy.

Now I don’t measure. I do all of my seasoning to taste. Dump in a bunch of olive oil. Mix. Dump in a bunch of Balsamic. Mix. Add salt and pepper. More mixing.

Try your concoction adding the oil and Balsamic and salt and pepper until you feel it’s right. If the people you are having for dinner think it’s a bit on the strong side, well, then maybe they aren’t ready for the big leagues.

You can make this ahead of time and it will keep like a dream. Do what I do and store it in 10 gallon drums until you are ready to unleash it at a classy party or eat it as a snack straight from a bowl while watching Hawaii 5-0 reruns in your underwear.


3 Responses to “How to make a bruschetta that is not to be flexed with”

  1. Heath March 16, 2011 at 5:21 pm #

    Thanks! I have been aimlessly wandering for weeks now.

  2. Amber March 16, 2011 at 8:25 pm #

    Bruschetta is tasty.

    It’s even tastier when you figure out how to pronounce and/or spell the word “bruschetta”. That increases the tastiness factor by 2. Why? Because it makes you feel superior to other people of course. It’s the same with any foreign-sounding food name.

    I’m going to try your recipe as soon as I scrape together enough inclination to go out and purchase ingredients. (Y u so far away, grocery store?) And when I do, there will be fresh mozzarella involved, because I’m of the school of thought that everything should contain cheese.

    • ahappygoluckyscamp March 17, 2011 at 7:46 am #

      Oh, you mean the school of thought that IS THE BEST SCHOOL OF THOUGHT HIGH FIVES

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