Dear Today Vaginal Contraceptive Sponge,

3 Oct

I know I have spoken unkindly of you in the past. That wasn’t fair. See, let me explain:

At the time I first tried you I had not yet come to terms with the fact that I was entirely incompatible with almost all forms of birth control. True, I was having a fair amount of success with the Nuvaring, but due to a shitty insurance plan I was forced to go off of it for a while. It was during those few months that I realized that I felt way better. Much more sane, shall we say. That was when I finally admitted to myself that all of the hormonal birth controls, even the low dose, localized types, would turn me into a stark- raving madwoman to one degree or another and I was worn out loosing months of my life at a time to side effects.

Also on the occasion that my partners could feel the Nuvaring during intercourse they would get excited that maybe there was a surprise toy inside for when they finished the box and I was just so tired of seeing those disappointed faces.

"This isn't a secret decoder ring AT ALL. 😦 "

So back to the barrier method for me!

I’ve gotten used to the prepubescent Romanian gymnast maneuvers I have to perform to insert/remove your product and the indignity inherent in wedging a pillow top mattress into myself up to the cervix. There are also many fine points to your brand. It’s nice that your pregnancy prevention rate is so high and that it’s effective for 24 hours. It’s nice not suffering from unexpected mood shifts that alienate loved ones and potential employers.

Yet, I have one, small quibble. Why are the individual packages so goddamned difficult to open?

Obviously I want my contraceptive method to be impervious to tampering or inadvertent damage but there is fucking limit. The little notch in the corner that helpfully directs me to “tear here” has never one torn there and allowed me to remove the sponge with ease. Instead I find my self gnawing desperately at the corner, manhandling the plastic casing and causing me concern that I will some how shred the sponge itself and render it ineffective and unusable. Eventually I wind up stumbling, cursing and naked, into my kitchen for a pair of scissors to carefully snip the packaging away while from the bedroom my boyfriend asks me what’s taking so long. I know that the 24 hours of effectiveness is conducive to spontaneity but once my man hits the door of my apartment I want to use that 24 hours to the fullest, so inevitably the fumbling ensues.

Keep in mind that I already go into bathroom to perform these contraceptive acrobatics as I’m unwilling to ruin the scant mystique of my body by inserting your product in front of my partner. This means that I am doing an angry, jiggling lap around my apartment before I get to the fun part of putting the Today Sponge into use. It’s like the worst opening ceremony ever.

As a loyal customer all I’m asking is for is a package that opens in the fashion it’s supposed to, that when I go to tear here it will actually tear there.Barring that, would you consider at the very least including a small pair of sewing scissors in every box and maybe a fun, surprise toy at the bottom for when I’m done with it.

It's a purchase incentive for a lot of things is all I'm saying.


One Response to “Dear Today Vaginal Contraceptive Sponge,”

  1. Wood October 4, 2011 at 1:01 am #

    I guess the usual packaging rule applies also to contaceptive products : “easy opening” translates as “get some scissors”.

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